(Radio: "Heartbreak Hotel")
Mrs. Peterson!
Ramon, hey! How's it goin'?
- How you doin'? - There it is, there on the desk.
- Where's she headed? - She's snowbound, Ramon.
- See you went with the pink. - Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of a pink day today.
I'll have another pickup for you on Thursday.
- All right. See you then. - All right. Thanks.
# Bless my soul, what's wrong with me
# I'm itchin' like a man on a fuzzy tree
# My friends say I'm actin' wild as a bug
# I'm in love... #
(Humming)
(Speaking Russian)
(Singing in Russian)
(Man shouting in Russian)
Peterson! Peterson!
Peterson.
(Speaking Russian)
- Mr. Cowboy, da? - Da.
Mmm, it's pretty.
(Speaking Russian)
It's from my wife.
(Horn honking)
(Singing in Russian)
(Chatting in Russian)
(Whistle)
(Man) Time rules over us without mercy,
not caring if we're healthy or ill, hungry or drunk,
Russian, American, beings from Mars.
It's like a fire. It could either destroy us or keep us warm.
That's why every FedEx office has a clock.
Because we live or we die by the clock.
We never turn our back on it.
And we never, ever allow ourselves the sin of losing track of time!
Locally, it's 1:56.
That means we've got three hours and four minutes
before the end-of-the-day's package sort.
That's how long we have. That's how much time we have...
before this pulsating, accursed, relentless taskmaster
tries to put us out of business.
Hey, Nicolai.
Good to see you. How are you, kid?
You just delivered your very first FedEx package.
That deserves something special,
like a Snickers bar and... a CD player.
And something to listen to. There. Elvis Presley.
Fifty million fans can't be wrong.
You all recognize this, don't you?
I took the liberty of sending this to myself.
I FedEx'd it before I left Memphis.
You're probably wondering what could be in here.
Is it architectural plans? Maybe technical drawings?
Is this the new wallpaper for the bathroom?
(Man translating into Russian)
It is...
a clock, which I started at absolute zero,
and is now at 87 hours, 22 minutes and 17 seconds.
From Memphis, America to Nicolai in Russia, 87 hours.
87 hours is a shameful outrage.
This is just an egg timer!
What if it had been something else? Like your pay cheque?
Or fresh boysenberries? Or adoption papers?
87 hours is an eternity. The cosmos was created in less time!
Wars have been fought and nations toppled in 87 hours!
Fortunes made and squandered.
(Translating)
What?
- What are you saying about me? - I tell them, what do they expect?
This man, when his truck broke down, he stole a boy's bicycle.
I borrowed it! I borrowed a kid's bike.
I got my packages delivered, and that is what you have to do.
You have to do whatever it takes, because in three hours two minutes
every one of these packages has to be on the big truck,
on its way to the airport.
- (Bell) - 15 minutes!
- Crunch time! Crunch time! - Crunch time!
Let's go! Every package on the airport truck.
Go! Crunch, crunch, crunch!
- We have a big problem. - What?
- The truck in Red Square is stuck. - What?
- It's stuck. - Stuck how? In snow? In ice?
The most important truck, the Kremlin truck! Many packages.
All right. Let's put the table right here. We'll just do the sort.
Ah, yeah, a clamp. That would make us stuck.
Let's go. Unload... Get him out of there.
Right here. Two lines, two lines.
One to the airport truck, one to the Moscow truck. Got it?
CDG, FE, ME, Memphis on the airport truck. Everything else there.
Nicolai! Tick-tock, tick-tock. Four minutes.
(Rings)
'Hi, this is Kelly. If you're calling for Chuck, press one.
'Otherwise, leave a message. Thanks.'
'Kelly. Are you there? Pick up, pick up, pick up. You're not there.
'I'm doin' the sorts in Red Square, in the shadow of Lenin's tomb.
'I miss you.'
I miss you, I really wanna kiss you.
I'm pickin' up the sweep through Paris.
I should be back in Memphis about 18 hours. That's the good news.
The bad news is... I gotta go to the dentist this week.
I got something that's hurtin'.
I'll see you soon, and you know what that means. Bye-bye.
Nicolai! Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock!
(Speaking French)
I absolutely, positively have to get to Memphis tonight.
Can't help you. Try UPS.
Will we be able to push it and make the sort?
- We'll do our best. - "Our best"?
Gwen, what's wrong with our doctors that Jack is certified to fly?
Aren't you concerned?
Terrified, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
That's the spirit. Relentless is our goal.
What do you expect from the guy who stole a crippled kid's bicycle?
I borrowed it. But I love that the kid's now crippled.
So you missed the last truck by two minutes?
Two minutes. Actually, it was less.
The plane wasn't heavy. You could've added some fuel and picked up speed.
It's about the trucks. Today's truck was two minutes late.
Tomorrow's will be four minutes late, then six, eight.
Next thing you know, we're the US Mail.
Well, all I'm sayin' is, if you'd gotten all those trucks on the plane,
those Russkies would be walking on water now.
Hey, don't give me that look. It's just grape juice. Right, Chuck?
Yeah. It's like a 1992, full-bodied grape juice.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.
We'd offer you some but somebody's got to fly the plane.
Yeah, well, I "just say no," right?
Listen, Stan,
I've been meaning to ask you, how's Mary?
Oh. Uh, well...
- We really don't know anything yet. - Mm-hm.
Uh, she went to the doctor yesterday, and, uh...
It hasn't meta... metastasized...
as far as they can tell right now.
It's just kind of wait and see.
I'm so sorry.
Tell her I'm gonna come by and see her on my next layover.
I want you to know, Stan, we are all thinking about her and you,
- and just blessings. - Thank you, Gwen.
'Hi, this is Kelly.
'lf you're calling for Chuck, press one. Otherwise, leave a message.'
Stan...
Listen. Uh, I heard about this...
I heard about this doctor down in Emory, in Atlanta.
He's supposed to be the best. He worked on Frank Toretto's wife.
Frank's a systems analyst. He played centerfield for us.
You know him. The softball tournament last Labor Day.
Anyway, beside the point.
Uh, what I was thinking is, is that I could get his number...
the doctor... and, uh,
You know, put you all together and...
You know, you could get this thing fixed.
You could beat it.
Thanks, Chuck. (Sighs)
So, I'll get his number.
- (Student) And why is that? - When it's chemically ordered...
- Is Kelly Frears around? - She's copying her dissertation.
- You're home. - Home indeed.
I love that you're home.
(Chuckles)
(TV) 'Just days before Santa departs on his annual gift-giving venture,
'he's been declared physically fit to fly.
'Santa got checked out at the VA Hospital in Augusta, Georgia.
'After doctors declared the jolly old elf in tiptop shape,
'Santa took off into the wild blue yonder for an early start.
'In Sarajevo, he spent the day with children,
'handing out presents
'and even helping them decorate the special Christmas tree.'
(Bell clanging)
'Santa and elves took over the floor at the Hong Kong Futures Exchange.
'Market traders bought Santa hats...'
(TV shuts off)
- The turkey's a bit dry, isn't it? - (All) No. The turkey is perfect!
(All talking at once)
- How many did you do last night? - Last night? 2.9 million.
Now, you've got to be in the market for more of these candied yams.
- 2.9 has got to be the record. - Look at those marshmallows.
We thought two million was a big deal.
The glory days.
- What'd they do the first night? - First night?
- Twelve. - Twelve thousand?
- Hell, no. Twelve. - (Chuck) That's right.
They did the sort right there on a card table.
And Fred Smith had that card table bronzed.
I've been hearing that for five years.
- It's in his office today. - From that to the hub at Anchorage.
It's a perfect marriage between technology and systems management.
Speaking of marriage,
when are you gonna make an honest woman of Kelly?
How long?
- Fourteen minutes into the meal. - You won.
- I owe you $5. - Way before the pie.
I told him. Right about the time the pie came out, the marriage...
Kelly's still recovering after that parolee.
He was a lawyer.
I knew it had something to do with swearing to tell the truth.
Remember when he fell and broke his shoulder at the wedding reception?
He tripped on a kerb holding a door open for me.
- Aunt Kelly was married? - It's not worth remembering.
So since her failed marriage to the parolee...
Oh, my God.
Kelly can't see being with a man who wears a pager to bed.
What are you gonna attach it to? When you wear it to bed,
I hope you got one of those things that goes vibratin'.
I'm not touching that.
Oh, did you hit an olive pit?
- I thought I took all of them out. - No, no, it's not that.
- OK, I'll cancel Saturday. - No, don't.
If I'm not here, I'm not. But if I am, then I am.
It's cancelled. But you gotta be here New Year's Eve.
Malaysia can't be that bad. When do you defend your dissertation?
January 12.
(Sighs) I'm gonna have to switch over the South America thing.
If I do that on the third or fourth,
I'll have to head back out on the 13th.
So long as you're here New Year's Eve.
I will be here New Year's Eve. I promise.
What?
What about our Christmas? I got a gift for you.
We have to do it in the car.
(Elvis Presley: "Blue Christmas")
I'd just like a minute over here, all right? Thanks.
# But I'll have a blue blue, blue, blue Christmas... #
Two minutes, OK? Two more minutes. Thanks. Hey!
- Merry Christmas. - I thought you were gonna stiff me.
What is the ribbon? A thousand-pound test fishing line or something?
- Here's your fancy thing. - Thanks.
I love the wrapping.
- And I love the box. - Good.
Oh.
Oh, my.
Oh, that is terrific.
My granddaddy used it on the Southern Pacific.
Hey, I took this. This is my favorite picture of you.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm always gonna keep this on Memphis time.
Kelly time.
Hmm.
You haven't said anything about your presents.
I'm sorry. No, I love 'em. Look at my journal. Ah!
- What about the pager? - Real leather. Gold on the pages!
- Did you like the pager or not? - Yes. I love it.
Look at him in his little blue Russian house.
- It's from Russia. - My God.
- It's not one of those loud ones? - No.
You can program it so it vibrates and lights up and see it in the dark.
It seems like a real nice... pager.
- Sorry about the towels. - I love 'em!
- You're hard to shop for. - Every time I wash my hands,
- I will think of you. - All right, I gotta go.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. - I love you.
I love you too.
Chuck!
Keys!
- Thank you. - That reminds me. I almost forgot.
I have one more present for you.
Only this isn't an "open in the car" kind of present
like, say, hand towels.
Which were a joke, by the way.
I'm terrified.
Just take it and hold onto it, and you can open it on New Year's Eve.
And I love you.
I'll be right back.
(Plane jolts)
(Sighs)
Hey, Al, where are we?
Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.
Ha, ha, ha! You pilots, you're funny.
Tahiti Control, FedEx 88.
Position Jenna at 1526...
Is this turbulence from Santa and those eight tiny reindeer?
...Tamara at 1620.
Erick is next.
- Fuel, niner-five-decimal-five. - (Static over radio)
Blaine, tell them we're deviating. Make a position plot on your left.
(Blaine) Tahiti Control, FedEx 88. Position Jenna at 1526.
- Flight level 350. - I got us plotted.
We're 200 miles south of original course.
Continue plotting, check contingency procedures.
Tahiti Control. FedEx 88 broadcasting in the blind. How do you read?
- (Static) - I've never been out this long.
Did you try the higher HF frequency?
(Blaine) Tahiti Control, FedEx 88.
(Al) Better buckle up, Chuck. It's gonna get bumpy.
(Blaine) Tahiti Control, FedEx 88. Do you read?
Tahiti Control, FedEx 88. Position Jenna at 1526.
Flight level 350.
Expecting Tamara at 1...
Explosion! Let's get a hose!
Hold on to it! Come on!
Seat belt!
We may have to ditch!
OK?
Fire in the hold! We're goin' down!
Mayday! Mayday!
(Alarm buzzing)
(Confused shouting)
Bringing it down and out!
Ten thousand feet! Masks off!
Masks off!
Chuck! Life vest!
Chuck! Chuck, stay there!
Where's your life vest?
Ditching switch on!
I've got visual!
Brace for impact!
(Creaking)
(Engine roaring)
(Groaning, wheezing)
(Rattling)
Hello!
Anybody!
Help!
(Thud)
(Leaves rustling)
(Thud)
What is that?
Hey!
Anybody?
(Thud)
(Grunting)
Hello?
Get! Go, go. Go! Go!
"Albert R Miller."
Not Alan. Albert.
So, that's it.
Hey! A ship! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey!
A ship! Over here!
Hey! Hey!
Over here! Over here!
Over here!
Over here! Over here!
Help me! Help! Right here! Right here!
Help! Look here! Look, look, look!
S... O... S!
Please!
Help! Come on!
Help!
(Screams)
(Screaming)
(Grunts)
(Wind howling)
(Grunts)
"Happy birthday."
"The most beautiful thing in the world is the world itself.
"Johnny, have the happiest birthday ever. Score! Your Grandpa."
Hmm.
(Crunch)
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
(Screams)
(Yelling)
(Screams)